Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.