A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.