Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”