which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
all bases covered
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??