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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
How wrong was this guy?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?