I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
You Might Also Like
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.