Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty