(by @ZachWeiner )
You Might Also Like
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Storm Tropical Storm
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I just ran a .003048K
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs