Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.