they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me