The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*