The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You Might Also Like
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
bad news gang
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.