Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Body by Oreos
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.