My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
You Might Also Like
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes