I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!