I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You Might Also Like
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.