i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation