I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)