I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“you recording!?”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do