Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times