some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.