House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you