wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.