If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
584.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
set yourself free xox