My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people