Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there