“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Attention children:
Mom is closed.