starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*jazz hands*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit