Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.