Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*