How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips