I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
won’t smith
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first