[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Good morning y’all ☀️
Namaste
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”