[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[eulogy]
line?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?