As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*mops up wine with cat*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.