the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
goldfish mafia
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.