Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.