“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My love language is deader than Latin
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I am HOWLING at this
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters