I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.