I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do