I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.