God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?