You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Admin smashed it 😂
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?