It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
How wrong was this guy?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.