It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
me working on my assignments ^-^
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
That took me a moment.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel