3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?