A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.