Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Investing in beetcoin
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*launders Kohls cash*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.