Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.