If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Seductively sings in Klingon.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
That’s amazing.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
🛁
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
no such thing as a dumb question